I was recently talking to my husband about the difference
between myself, not only as a person,
after having a child (now 17 years ago), but the difference that evolved in my teaching after having a child.
In many ways these 2 versions of myself seem light years
away from each other!
I am sharing this story as a piece of humility about myself,
but also to perhaps give perspective for those of you who have recently
embarked on the life-changing event of parenthood.
Essentially, I see myself as a much better teacher after
having a child . . .but here is the
evolution and lessons learned and in reflection, the genesis of my philosophy
as a relational educator and intentional parent.
After putting myself through the teacher certification
program at UCD in the early 1990’s, I found myself swept up into the teaching
world at a wonderful progressive private school. I was given a job there before the ink from
my teacher certificate was dry.
I thought I was ready.
I certainly had lots of training and had been working in the
field. I had great ideas for curriculum
and the children in the kindergarten, first and second grade multi-age
classroom loved me.
As a young person (early 20’s) I had a lot of confidence.
The philosophies of the school I was working at were very
cutting edge at the time. No other
school was like it. Teachers came from
all over the US to observe us. Articles
were written about the school in the paper and my picture was featured in one
of them. At the time, I’m sure I exuded
an air of cockiness about what I believed were the special skills I possessed
as a teacher in such an avant-garde environment.
And I was a good, new
teacher. But I know now what I didn’t
know, and how naïve I must have seemed in certain situations.
Being a stay-at-home mom had recently come back into vogue for certain populations at this juncture in
time since the women’s charge into the corporate work force in the 1980’s. Parents
were in and out of the classroom constantly.
I was a bit on-stage for these parents as they observed and often openly
critiqued my teaching.
I remember one particular family, older parents in their late
40’s and their precocious 2nd grade son. It was writing time in the classroom and I
asked their son to write more. He had written one sentence about his
grandfather dying. Although it was a
very eloquent sentence, I knew this child had it in him to extend his thoughts. His mom was helping in the classroom and
pulled me out into the hallway to question my insistence that her son write
more about such a sensitive subject and that that sentence was more than
adequate. She was furious with me!
Another situation involved a kindergartener at the beginning
of the year struggling with separating from her mother and little brother in
the morning. I tried to help by
encouraging the little girl to stay, while clearly, I know now, the mom was
struggling as well. This mom also gave
me a talking to, saying that if her daughter wanted to go home she most
certainly could!
In both of the above situations I can also still see I my side of the story. I wasn’t wrong, but I was a bit clueless and ignorant about how these moms must have been
feeling the time.
I taught for seven years before I became a mom myself. As my 8 weeks of pregnancy leave fled by, I
already felt the changes that had taken over me as a person. I relinquished my baby to a family friend
when I returned to work. She had
recently retired from caring for disabled adults and had raised 2 sons of her
own. Nancy, or “Acie”, as my son Jack
soon grew to call her, became my
first “new” teacher as a mom.
I hated having to leave my baby, at all, of course. But I was a single mom – I had to go back to
work. I was also a nervous mom. I had taught kindergarten through second
grade, but this did not mean I was also trained in infant care! When I would arrive to pick up Jack at the
end of the day, Nancy would invite me in to sit and nurse him and then tell me
about his day! She gave me every detail
– from how much he ate, to how many diapers he went through, to his facial
expressions. Although Nancy was clear
that Jack was happy and healthy in my absence, she also reassured me that he
missed his mommy. I so appreciated her attention to my child and her detailed
communication to me.
It was during these years of babyhood that I began to learn
more about what parents might need from me as a teacher.
Further karma lessons came to me when Jack began formal schooling. He was always a sweet, kind, young-at-heart
child. When he began kindergarten, as a
mom I did not fully understand the consequences of birthdate and school cut-off
dates. Jack made the cut-off, but just
by days. He basically started
kindergarten as a 4 year old, while, it seemed, the rest of his class was late
5’s turning 6. As I mentioned in my last
blog, I taught art across the room from this kindergarten class and my heart
wrenched constantly at the militaristic manner in which the teacher conducted
her class. The only feedback I would get
from her was that Jack didn’t pay attention very well (most likely because he
was still 4 and was expected to sit in a desk all day!) It was all I could do to not tell this teacher what I thought about her developmentally
inappropriate teaching methods.
After this experience I was confiding to a fellow teacher
friend that I was going to find a way to home-school Jack. She adamantly advised me not to. “You are his mom, not his
teacher! He needs you to be his
mom.” And I later found this to be true,
but I continued to be frustrated with the lack of knowledgeable, respectful
communication about Jack from his teachers.
Wasn’t it part of their job to know
my child? Want to know more about him..? During these times I reflected heavily on the
times that I must have brushed off parents, not considering their knowledge of
their kids and how that insight might’ve actually further enhanced my ability
to teach their child, rather than viewing their input as merely criticism.
So this is the time
period where my knowledge as a teacher and my growing knowledge as a parent
began colliding, congealing, struggling. ..
As any reflective teacher might say, struggle is part of
learning. Reconciling different points
of view is critical in developing perspective and depth of understanding.
I am still learning.
What I see in some of the new parents that enter the
threshold of Milestones Preschool is not un-similar to who I was then; wanting
the teacher to know their child and
understand what they want for him or her.
Sometimes there is an unconscious need to manipulate the school
situation. Steer it.
As I embark on new ways to specify what we do well at Milestones,
I am closely analyzing this relationship piece.
I have learned that I must listen to and get to know the
parents of my students. I need to
develop trust with them and most of this happens with communication. I know you
are eager to know what your little ones are up to! I need be an excellent listener, especially in those precious first
school day experiences.
I also must
communicate how your child is progressing.
This has evolved through my daily pictorial blog of the Milestones
day-to-day events so that parents might actually see what their child is up to (short of having video
surveillance!), bi-yearly conferences, complete with narrative reports and
portfolio assessment, face to face communication at pick-up and drop-off,
support with resources, such as books and websites, and this blog!
Another piece I learned as the parent, am still learning as
my boy approaches college age, is that, as much as I encourage parents to ask
what they want and need for their child’s education, I cannot always steer the path of his experience. Even when I know better. I can’t control
it.
BUT, what I embrace is what I have created for him as the
basis of his education and of his becoming a well-rounded, responsible young adult. Jack takes this foundation, is steered one
way or the other in his school environments, and he is learning, he is figuring
it out. And he will have to continue to
do so the rest of his life, right? But
after being his first teacher, before he went off to school and then settling
into what my role of parent is, I feel good about him navigating these
challenges.
In my own classroom, back as the teacher, there are times when I do have to ask the parents to be
brave, to trust and know that school is different
than home, in a good way. YOU are your child’s first teacher. As a
matter of fact; I really rely on the fact that you have helped your child to
get to a certain stage in order to be able to come to preschool.
As I learned, it can be physically painful to let them go –
I get that. But we send them to school
to grow, learn something new and different from home and hopefully cultivate
that “village” philosophy that the more children have caring adults interacting
with them the more they will learn and grow, become well-rounded…
Hopefully your first experiences will not be as rough as
mine were. Children are valued as
individuals at Milestones, yet I try to help the preschoolers begin to value
being part of a group (an asset Tony Wagner of Harvard values as critical for
students’ futures) and realizing when their actions affect their peers. I honor individual imagination and help the
child to begin to know the satisfaction of sharing his or her ideas with others
and create together. In having their own
ideas, the children learn to know that they might have to pause them at times in
order to follow a bit of a schedule when it is time to clean up for snack or
outside time.
Ideally, we all three – Parent-Child-Teacher need to express
our ideas and thoughts and come to an understanding about what each child will
need. This requires an effort on both
adult sides to communicate regularly and effectively and of course, as politely
as possible. Email doesn’t always cut it,
misunderstandings can happen when we cannot see the other person’s face, hear
their tone of voice…so, yes, it does take more effort for us all to convey our
thoughts effectively, but I have seen proof that it is definitely worth it!
I am moving towards more accurately terming the philosophy
at Milestones as Relational Education. I am spending time detailing what this term
will mean for our preschool, but the light bulb that has gone on in my mind is
that the interrelationships that we carefully, intentionally create between
parent-teacher, teacher-preschooler, the connection to home and school and the
community that evolves from this is of utmost importance for the success of the
child’s experience, now and as they grow.
