The Differences (and similarities) Between Parenting & Teaching. . . .

I was recently talking to my husband about the difference between myself, not only as a person, after having a child (now 17 years ago), but the difference that evolved in my teaching after having a child. 

In many ways these 2 versions of myself seem light years away from each other! 

I am sharing this story as a piece of humility about myself, but also to perhaps give perspective for those of you who have recently embarked on the life-changing event of parenthood.

Essentially, I see myself as a much better teacher after having a  child . . .but here is the evolution and lessons learned and in reflection, the genesis of my philosophy as a relational educator and intentional parent.

After putting myself through the teacher certification program at UCD in the early 1990’s, I found myself swept up into the teaching world at a wonderful progressive private school.  I was given a job there before the ink from my teacher certificate was dry. 

I thought I was ready.

I certainly had lots of training and had been working in the field.  I had great ideas for curriculum and the children in the kindergarten, first and second grade multi-age classroom loved me.

As a young person (early 20’s) I had a lot of confidence.

The philosophies of the school I was working at were very cutting edge at the time.  No other school was like it.  Teachers came from all over the US to observe us.  Articles were written about the school in the paper and my picture was featured in one of them.  At the time, I’m sure I exuded an air of cockiness about what I believed were the special skills I possessed as a teacher in such an avant-garde environment. 

And I was a good, new teacher.  But I know now what I didn’t know, and how naïve I must have seemed in certain situations.

Being a stay-at-home mom had recently come back into vogue for certain populations at this juncture in time since the women’s charge into the corporate work force in the 1980’s. Parents were in and out of the classroom constantly.  I was a bit on-stage for these parents as they observed and often openly critiqued my teaching.

I remember one particular family, older parents in their late 40’s and their precocious 2^nd grade son.  It was writing time in the classroom and I asked their son to write more.  He had written one sentence about his grandfather dying.  Although it was a very eloquent sentence, I knew this child had it in him to extend his thoughts.  His mom was helping in the classroom and pulled me out into the hallway to question my insistence that her son write more about such a sensitive subject and that that sentence was more than adequate.  She was furious with me!

Another situation involved a kindergartener at the beginning of the year struggling with separating from her mother and little brother in the morning.   I tried to help by encouraging the little girl to stay, while clearly, I know now, the mom was struggling as well.  This mom also gave me a talking to, saying that if her daughter wanted to go home she most certainly could!

In both of the above situations I can also still see I my side of the story.  I wasn’t wrong, but I was a bit clueless and ignorant about how these moms must have been feeling the time.

I taught for seven years before I became a mom myself.  As my 8 weeks of pregnancy leave fled by, I already felt the changes that had taken over me as a person.  I relinquished my baby to a family friend when I returned to work.  She had recently retired from caring for disabled adults and had raised 2 sons of her own.  Nancy, or “Acie”, as my son Jack soon grew to call her, became my first “new” teacher as a mom.

I hated having to leave my baby, at all, of course.  But I was a single mom – I had to go back to work.  I was also a nervous mom.  I had taught kindergarten through second grade, but this did not mean I was also trained in infant care!  When I would arrive to pick up Jack at the end of the day, Nancy would invite me in to sit and nurse him and then tell me about his day!  She gave me every detail – from how much he ate, to how many diapers he went through, to his facial expressions.  Although Nancy was clear that Jack was happy and healthy in my absence, she also reassured me that he missed his mommy.  I so appreciated her attention to my child and her detailed communication to me.

It was during these years of babyhood that I began to learn more about what parents might need from me as a teacher. 

Further karma lessons came to me when Jack began formal schooling.  He was always a sweet, kind, young-at-heart child.  When he began kindergarten, as a mom I did not fully understand the consequences of birthdate and school cut-off dates.  Jack made the cut-off, but just by days.  He basically started kindergarten as a 4 year old, while, it seemed, the rest of his class was late 5’s turning 6.  As I mentioned in my last blog, I taught art across the room from this kindergarten class and my heart wrenched constantly at the militaristic manner in which the teacher conducted her class.  The only feedback I would get from her was that Jack didn’t pay attention very well (most likely because he was still 4 and was expected to sit in a desk all day!)  It was all I could do to not tell this teacher what I thought about her developmentally inappropriate teaching methods.

After this experience I was confiding to a fellow teacher friend that I was going to find a way to home-school Jack.   She adamantly advised me not to.  “You are his mom, not his teacher!  He needs you to be his mom.”  And I later found this to be true, but I continued to be frustrated with the lack of knowledgeable, respectful communication about Jack from his teachers.  Wasn’t it part of their job to know my child?  Want to know more about him..?  During these times I reflected heavily on the times that I must have brushed off parents, not considering their knowledge of their kids and how that insight might’ve actually further enhanced my ability to teach their child, rather than viewing their input as merely criticism.

So this is the time period where my knowledge as a teacher and my growing knowledge as a parent began colliding, congealing, struggling. ..

As any reflective teacher might say, struggle is part of learning.  Reconciling different points of view is critical in developing perspective and depth of understanding. 

I am still learning.

What I see in some of the new parents that enter the threshold of Milestones Preschool is not un-similar to who I was then; wanting the teacher to know their child and understand what they want for him or her.  Sometimes there is an unconscious need to manipulate the school situation.  Steer it. 

As I embark on new ways to specify what we do well at Milestones, I am closely analyzing this relationship piece.  I have learned that I must listen to and get to know the parents of my students.  I need to develop trust with them and most of this happens with communication. I know you are eager to know what your little ones are up to!  I need be an excellent listener, especially in those precious first school day experiences. 

I also must communicate how your child is progressing.  This has evolved through my daily pictorial blog of the Milestones day-to-day events so that parents might actually see what their child is up to (short of having video surveillance!), bi-yearly conferences, complete with narrative reports and portfolio assessment, face to face communication at pick-up and drop-off, support with resources, such as books and websites, and this blog!

Another piece I learned as the parent, am still learning as my boy approaches college age, is that, as much as I encourage parents to ask what they want and need for their child’s education, I cannot always steer the path of his experience.  Even when I know better.  I can’t control it. 

BUT, what I embrace is what I have created for him as the basis of his education and of his becoming a well-rounded, responsible young adult.  Jack takes this foundation, is steered one way or the other in his school environments, and he is learning, he is figuring it out.  And he will have to continue to do so the rest of his life, right?  But after being his first teacher, before he went off to school and then settling into what my role of parent is, I feel good about him navigating these challenges.

In my own classroom, back as the teacher, there are times when I do have to ask the parents to be brave, to trust and know that school is different than home, in a good way.  YOU are your child’s first teacher. As a matter of fact; I really rely on the fact that you have helped your child to get to a certain stage in order to be able to come to preschool.

As I learned, it can be physically painful to let them go – I get that.  But we send them to school to grow, learn something new and different from home and hopefully cultivate that “village” philosophy that the more children have caring adults interacting with them the more they will learn and grow, become well-rounded…

Hopefully your first experiences will not be as rough as mine were.  Children are valued as individuals at Milestones, yet I try to help the preschoolers begin to value being part of a group (an asset Tony Wagner of Harvard values as critical for students’ futures) and realizing when their actions affect their peers.  I honor individual imagination and help the child to begin to know the satisfaction of sharing his or her ideas with others and create together.  In having their own ideas, the children learn to know that they might have to pause them at times in order to follow a bit of a schedule when it is time to clean up for snack or outside time.

Ideally, we all three – Parent-Child-Teacher need to express our ideas and thoughts and come to an understanding about what each child will need.  This requires an effort on both adult sides to communicate regularly and effectively and of course, as politely as possible.  Email doesn’t always cut it, misunderstandings can happen when we cannot see the other person’s face, hear their tone of voice…so, yes, it does take more effort for us all to convey our thoughts effectively, but I have seen proof that it is definitely worth it!

I am moving towards more accurately terming the philosophy at Milestones as Relational Education.  I am spending time detailing what this term will mean for our preschool, but the light bulb that has gone on in my mind is that the interrelationships that we carefully, intentionally create between parent-teacher, teacher-preschooler, the connection to home and school and the community that evolves from this is of utmost importance for the success of the child’s experience, now and as they grow.

A Call for Clarity: Play-Based vs. Traditional Preschool Programs...

This article is a version of one I published on LinkedIn a year ago.  It garnered over 10,000 views from people all over the world and sparked an online debate.

Navigating the terms of Early Childhood...

I have had many experiences in my last 25 years of teaching in, both traditional and, what I would label, “progressive,” early childhood environments (grades EC-2). I feel very grateful to have had a rich variety of experiences, because as the years have gone by, I feel I have a depth of understanding and perspective.  I have grown to have ideas about what works best for children in the classroom. 

Traditional teaching methods, being our oldest form of teaching, can be a pretty straight-forward term, meaning the children will most likely be teacher-led through the day, with less opportunity to have free-play or input in what they are doing. Sometimes, “traditional” means that children sit at a table for periods of time doing worksheets that they may not be ready for developmentally. My son attended a kindergarten like this, where at the age of barely 5, he was required to primarily sit at a desk all day and copy text from a blackboard. He had already joyfully begun reading early readers with me and wrote using inventive spelling to label his drawings and help me to create grocery lists.  His teacher was younger, had only taught 3rd grade and her goal, she boasted, was that her students would all be “writing paragraphs” by the end of the year.  These paragraphs were to be copied from the blackboard and written on lined paper (2 tasks that most children of this age are not yet ready to do developmentally, physically their eyes cannot yet track from the blackboard to the paper efficiently and their fine motor is not strong enough to write on those tiny lines!).  I was actually teaching art across the hallway from my son’s classroom, and having taught mostly kindergarten, I literally sobbed at what my little boy was expected to do and observed with dismay his growing disinterest in reading or writing after it had become such a chore during his first school experience… This is the extreme (and developmentally inappropriate) example of what a traditional early childhood classroom can be.

The National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) www.naeyc.org, is an accrediting agency that champions the best practices for teaching young children. Their publication, Developmentally Appropriate Practice In Early Childhood Classrooms, asserts, through years of research, appropriate and inappropriate expectations for the 3-5 year old classroom environment as:

“Appropriate Practice:
 Teachers encourage children’s developing language and communication skills by talking with them throughout the day, speaking clearly and listening to their responses, and providing opportunities for them to talk to each other. Teachers engage individual children and groups in conversations about real experiences, projects or ideas, and they respond attentively to children’s verbal initiatives."

"Inappropriate Practice:
 Adult agendas dominate conversations. Children’s responses and reactions are viewed as interruptions of the adult’s talk. Teachers make it a priority to maintain a quiet environment. Teacher’s speech is mostly telling children what to do and is usually addressed to the whole group, rarely the individual.”

On the other side of things, the term “play-based,” has me a bit puzzled. Throughout our wide range of philosophical choices in our city, this term, compared to the pretty predictable term of “traditional,” is extremely vague.  One would assume “play-based”  means the children will be learning through play. What I have observed, is that a play-based program can mean that your child can choose whatever they want to do with very little intervention. While I believe this is a fine thing to offer children at times of the day, if it is all they are doing, without much interaction, direction or conversation with the teacher, they may be missing out on some valuable opportunities.

Here are some examples of experiences I have heard when consulting with parents who have chosen such a program:


“Charlie just plays in the dirt all day!” remarks the parent.
I asked, “Does he paint or play house with other children?” The parent replied that Charlie’s teacher asserted that playing in the dirt was all that Charlie wanted to do and according to the preschool’s philosophy (play-based version of Reggio Emilia) they were not going encourage him to do anything else. The parents respectfully listened to the teacher and did not ask for any changes in Charlie’s preschool experience.  

A year later, as this child was of the age to go to kindergarten, he did not yet recognize or write his name and did not know any letters or numbers. Furthermore, he had not progressed in some of the social skills one would hope that preschool might offer:  making friends, learning to work with others, attending to directions, etc. The family was told by his prospective kindergarten teacher that he was “behind” and would need to go into a “special” class to get caught up for kindergarten.

Another experience I had with a parent involved another very active child. I recommended a Reggio-based program, hoping that they would have more hands-on activities than the more traditional preschool that was also on the table as a choice. After hearing Charlie’s families’ story, I had suggested this family ask some questions, such as, “If my child wants to play in the play dough all day, will you sometimes encourage him to build in blocks with other children or draw a picture, to make sure he gets a well- rounded experience?” The answer to this question was “No,” that the philosophy of the program required the teachers to allow the children to make their own choices, apparently at all times. Additionally, this child was not accepted to this preschool because he as too active....I am confused.

With all due respect to various philosophies and interpretations of them, can we look at what is best for the children, right now?

And what exactly is the role of the teacher in a classroom when the child is completely in charge of his activity. Certainly the child is kept safe, but is he/she challenged? Is the child ever provoked intellectually by an adults’ facilitation, by the addition of rich and varied materials, supported in his/her verbal interactions with other children in order to learn about conflict resolution and manners? 

Conversely the teacher does not need to be dictating at all times, what a child does, never giving the child the opportunity to make a choice, voice an idea or collaborate with peers.

In seeking worthy back-up research for my opinion, I fell upon a book called, Qualities of Effective Teachers, by James H. Strong. He mentions research that has linked teachers’ intellectual verbal ability and interaction with student success, “A teacher with higher vocabulary and verbal skills communicates more often and more effectively, better conveying ideas to students and communicating in a clear and compelling manner.”

Why can’t we have a time during the day when children get to do whatever they want, and then other parts of the day where they do something as a group, sit quietly to listen to the teacher, follow a direction or two and try something new? Can we have both, dare I suggest..?

The way I look at it, I need to provide an experience that is different and valuable; opportunities a child would not get at home. I have lots of parents thank me for allowing their child to get really messy at school, as it is difficult to allow that on a certain level in the house. What I think is even more valuable, is socializing. Most children could play in the dirt at home alone, but at school, let’s take advantage of being able to build a whole city with other kids, work out problems together, get ideas from each other, have conversations.

This is the essence of excellent teaching- the ebb and flow of allowing the children’s’ activities and ideas individually, while facilitating the acquisition of pre-kindergarten skills and leading and creating a sense of community. Developmentally appropriate teaching requires intentionally creating an environment where children engage in many activities that exercise all parts of the brain, so that they begin to become well rounded individuals, capable of focusing on their own or participating in a group. 

In my strong opinion you need both – a little bit of traditional mixed in with play.  It is very much a recipe that the teacher must constantly adjust to needs of the individuals and the group in his/her classroom.  And it is important.  Early childhood experiences do set the foundation for future learning.  I still kick myself for keeping my son in that extremely traditional kindergarten.  The inappropriate, ill-placed rigor caused a light that had been sparked to fade when it came to his excitement for reading and writing…

I challenge all of our educational institutions out there at the very least to really define your philosophy.  If you say you are Reggio, then send your staff to a Reggio workshop. Clarify what that philosophy means at your school so that parents can make informed decisions about what might or might not work for their child.  

I can tell you from running Reggio-based preschools for many years, the philosophy runs much deeper than merely letting the children run loose all day with no adult facilitation.  As a matter of fact, the role of the teacher is quite specific, if one would care to look into it (http://reggioalliance.org/).

For parents, I hope this article encourages you to ask specific questions about a typical day at any school.  A good school will have good answers!  Good luck.

Sometimes it only takes a little suggestion. . .

Dear Parents, Fellow Educators. . . 

I am a big fan of the philosophy of "never wake a sleeping baby" (or adult for that matter!) and if children are happily, joyfully, creatively, safely and cooperatively playing, leave them be!  BUT it is perfectly acceptable to join in their play or make some provocations.  In Reggio Emilia speak, the word provocation takes on a very positive definition, meaning to place a material or make a suggestion that might enhance what the children are doing.  We can also get a bit academic here and sight a Vygotskian term, the zone of proximal development, where we mark the elevation of a child's experience by carefully placed adult interaction. Below, is a bit of an example of how a provocation was made during shaving cream play at Milestones Preschool summer camp. 

As children are playing throughout the room, I, unceremoniously placed dollops of shaving cream on the "Big Round Table" (the table we always do the most fun and messy activities).  A fun aside, I never intended, but the children always know, when I say, "Go to the Round Table!" they rush with an ubridled excitement of the anticipation of some wonderful (very often simple) delight - are we making waffles? play dough?  Guacamole..?

But this day, I just placed the shaving cream on the table without saying anything.  Eventually, along comes a child, tentatively exploring this substance, at first quite hesitantly.

A few others join in . . .

 

And then it's a "shaving cream party!"  The whole class is involved.  Yet,  ultimately, one child decides, "This is too messy.  I'm going to wash my hands." And, all too often, all the children follow suit, and then its over.  

So I made a few simple suggestions, hoping to extend the experience.  I modeled making swirly designs and writing my name with my finger, making a smiley face.  They liked that.  Then I modeled stretching my arms in the shaving cream as far as I could across the table, making round motions with my arms and criss crossing my arms over each other (the benefit, other than fun, being crossing the midline).  They really liked this...

Then, I suggested they all stand up and walk around the table, moving the shaving cream along the table as they walked.  This was really fun.

But we all knew that snack time was coming up and we always have snack time at the Round Table, so I suggested the children make the shaving cream "disappear" by rubbing it really hard into the table.

 All gone!
So what did we accomplish having mentioned the Reggio term, provocation, and the Vygotsky term, zone of proximal development?

The children took a risk by trying a substance that initially looked "ickey".

They experimented.

They watched, listened to and mimicked suggestios from an adult and extended their experience.  

By extending their experience they played together, conversing, making their own verbal observations to one another.  

They problem solved when someone "took" their shaving cream and realized it was more fun to play with it together. 

They moved their bodies in large motor ways that help develop their brains' abilities to cross the midline (an important step necessary to be able to start the reading/writing process.)